2019 fucked me up, hard. And not in a cute kind of hard. But the devastating, almost unthinkable, cruel, kind of hard.
I lost my passion, I lost my pride, I lost my belief in me, I lost my best friend, I lost a lot of money, I lost myself.
At the start of the year, I thought I was at my best. Things were great at work, I was having constant fun with close friends, and I was happy being single.
But along the way, I got lost. I didn’t know who I can trust anymore, I didn’t believe in myself anymore, and every day I find a new excuse to get lost.
And I didn’t care anymore. That feeling of not caring – of just losing control – was addicting. I got stuck in a loop of nothing. Nothing was happening, and I loved it.
But while in my own world, nothing was happening, everything was happening around me. Time passed but I stood still.
I lost my drive at work, and felt the need to move on and leave my comfort zone. I thought it was a bold and the right move but apparently, I wasn’t ready and it blew up in my face.
The one person I thought was my best friend – who I thought will stay by my side no matter what – hang me out to dry. And it still pains me that I sacrificed a lot for this person who clearly couldn’t care less.
I almost forgot how to respect and love myself that I felt like I deserved all the bad things that are happening to me, and that somehow, that made it okay.
But, it wasn’t okay.
I was so close to losing my sanity when I finally realized that it was not okay.
So I manned up, and took my life back.
2019 didn’t destroy me. I destroyed me. I let this all happen. And that’s fine, because that means I can un-destroy me and start over again.
When I turned 30, I realized that I’ve been putting off a lot of things for the wrong reasons. I’ve been putting up with a lot of things and people because I was okay with settling for less.
Tomorrow is never promised so if I don’t do the things I want to do now, if I don’t spend time with the people I love now, if I don’t strive to be who I want to be now, it’s never going to happen.
So I started a new job, deleted people who’s only dragging me down, put a stop to habits that don’t serve me good, and re-focused on myself, my goals, and the people I love who love me back.
This time, I will make things happen, and not just let them happen.
I have never felt more alive. It feels good to care again. It feels good to believe in myself again. It feels good to have control of my life again.
I learned that no matter how far along you think you’ve gone on the wrong direction, you can still go back and start over and re-adjust your path.
I learned that the older we get, the smaller our circle gets. Because not everybody – no matter what circumstances brought you together – has the same goals, same ideals, same principles as you. And you should decide wisely on who you want to be with. Because that determines who you’re gonna be eventually.
And the only way to make these decisions work is to constantly make them day after day and commit to them.
If you falter, never give up. Remember that sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.
May we all have a new year full of wins and losses that will make us live our absolute truth every day.